Spiritual Authobiography (Part one)

Spiritual Autobiography Started on October 20^th 2010 and completed on July 11^th 2012

This morning I woke up with the idea/impression to begin writing in detail my personal spiritual history. I’ve written much of this in fragments but never all of it in one place. I want to write this for three major reasons 1) To reinforce my faith that God has a plan for each of us 2) To have a wellspring of personal stories to draw upon while teaching and 3) To leave a record for my posterity

I was born on December 14^th, 1987 to goodly parents in Tel Aviv Israel. I grew up in Tel Aviv in the company of my relatives until I reached the age of 3 and a half and then moved to Florida and grew up there.

I don’t remember religion being an especially large part of my early early childhood. I am sure we went to synagogue on high holidays while in Israel, but none of those memories especially stand out. I do remember going with my relatives in Bat Yam to a beautiful synagogue, but I think that I was likely a lot older then and visiting rather than when I lived there. I began to attend Jewish schools in the U.S and so I remember daily prayers especially birkat hamazon. I never really got a lot from those prayers. They seemed very rote and not connected to my concerns. Most of my classmates would mock the prayers and change the words to sing about ‘sour cream’ or other silly things.

Around the same time or perhaps a few years later, I began to think deeply about what happens to people after death. I asked my parents and they did not really have a strong response though my mother told me a little bit about an afterlife. I remember making a trip to the public library in Aventura/ North Miami Beach and reading a book written for kids about what death is. It basically said that we do not know what happens, and I was not very comforted by this. My anxieties over the question continued until my grandfather actually died. Experience with the real thing diminished my fear though I continued to occasionally wonder.

When I was in second/third grade I wrote a short book ‘Stories my Grandfather Told Me” that did well in a written and illustrated contest. While doing that I became aware of Antisemitism probably for the first time. It shocked me that Jews could have been persecuted just for having been born in a faith. Around this time I first became aware that we were a small minority in a largely Christian  country although that didn’t mean much to me at the time.

When I was around 7 or 8 I began to feel very strange. I never told another person about what I was feeling, but it expressed itself in bad moods and a foul temper. For some reason I got the idea that I had been possessed by a demon or sorts. It was right after we’d moved to our house at 406 Poinciana Drive in Hallandale and I kept thinking that the way to get rid of this awful feeling was to immerse myself in water. It was Fall/Winter and so it was too cold. When spring came and I could finally go in, I don’t remember it making too much of a difference, but I did eventually feel clean and the feeling of taint and guilt did go away with time. It was only on the day of/after my Baptism 12 years later that I even truly remembered this strange period in my youth and connected it back to my reaching the age of accountability and desiring to be baptized. It’s interesting what connections like that I can now find.

I also remember well the yorzhite for my grandfather. I had not been there for the funeral , but on the one-year anniversary I could see the sorrow in my grandmother’s eyes. I hated the feeling of cemeteries as they were cold and gloomy. It didn’t really seem like there was much hope in anyone’s eyes as they spoke of the dead. It seemed so final and absolute. My grandmother’s death does not stand out nearly as strongly in my mind, but I remember the late night phone calls from my sisters. My dad left for the funeral as he had when on a cruise we received word of my grandfather’s passing. He was always the one to take charge when things like that happened and I remember even then admiring him for his strength and resolve. It was painful to see my grandmother suffer and slowly loose herself. A lesson I’d later learn from that experience is the importance of having a strong self-foundation not dependent on another person alone.

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In the world but not of the world!

Today I have really been thinking a lot about the world and its lack of foundation and mooring. I went wit my father’s girlfriend Felice  to the Tel Aviv Art Museum and looked upon all of the modern ‘art’ which is completely emotionless and devoid of a sense of purpose. In the evening I went with Meitar the cousin of my nephew Guy to a concert in which the bands were pretty talented, but it was obvious they were also without a sense of direction in life. The lyrics were the typical punk rock requiem of rebellion against authority and seeking to live life to its fullest. It was a flashback to another era in my life, when I tried to find happiness in music to the exclusion of religion, spirituality and God. Yet, today as I listened it was apparent that such an effort is futile.

All of the flash and lights of the world. All of its loud concerts, taintilizing delicacies, refined artwork and high culture can not buy or bring a person happiness. I sensed again the sense of emptiness and groping for meaning that defines this generation. I think that people today have even lost hope of ever finding a deeper meaning of purpose. They are kind of content with a superficial sense of purpose or cause without a true foundation. They are tossed by the winds of advertisements and persuasion and sold possessions as the answer to their emptiness. This is the condition of the world in which we live.

Its amazing how this past week I have enjoyed so many of the pleasures of the world. I have been to the movies and to a concert. I have been to museums and eaten at fine restaurants. None of these things are bad in and of themselves and in fact are all good things, but it struck me how much rather I would be contacting or teaching the gospel. I have felt a sense of joy on my mission greater than anywhere else, because I knew that what I did truly mattered. I knew it had such an eternal significant. Right now, all of the things people worry about and get so excited about just seem so pedestrian and lacking in meaning.

PEW Mormon study analysis- Intolerance and room for improvement

I wrote this analysis with the northeast in mind, in particular my University Ward in Cambridge, MA, but I think what I write is equally if not more true elsewhere…

Reflection on the PEW study of members–An opportunity for Improvement
Daniel Ortner
7-26-09

In Honor of Pioneer Day, the Pew Forum has released a study entitled

A Portrait of Mormons in the U.S.

http://pewforum.org/docs/?DocID=427

There are some very encouraging facts about LDS members on the whole. It’s a pretty glowingly positive statistical portrait. In terms of religious attendance, faith in a personal deity, rates of in faith marriage etc., we stand above most faiths in our diligence. However, there are some negatives that i feel prudent to discuss. I write this with a special focus on applicability to the University Ward in a northeast setting. All of these findings should be tempered by the fact that members outside of Utah are less likely to be guilty of these faults.

“Geography appears to play a role in patterns of religious commitment among Mormons as well. Those who live in Utah differ from Mormons in other areas of the country in several ways. Utahans are much less likely than Mormons from other states to share their faith with others at least once a week (13% vs. 37%), they are more likely to say theirs is the one true faith (63% vs. 51%) and they more heavily favor preserving traditional beliefs and practices (77% vs. 63%). On many other core religion measures, however, there are few geographical differences.”

Additionally…

“There also are some political differences between Mormons in different geographic areas. In particular, Mormons in the western region of the U.S. are significantly more likely than Mormons from other regions to identify as Republican (68% vs. 55%). They also are more likely to say abortion should be illegal in most or all cases (72% vs. 62%; the figure among Mormons in Utah is 78%). There is no significant difference on other issues, such as the size of government and the best way to ensure peace.”

With that in mind, I still think that an exploration of some of the findings could really be beneficial in helping bring to light some of the challenges that our ward and wards in the northeast might face in regard to reaching out to potential members and ensuring that they are find fellowship and remain active once they become members.

“On most measures of religious commitment, Mormons under age 50 do not differ significantly from those aged 50 and older. The one exception is on the question of religious exclusivity. More than six-in-ten younger Mormons (62%) say theirs in the one true faith, compared with roughly half (48%) of Mormons 50 and older who say the same.”

Earlier in the study when this question first comes up, they mention that this question also included the notion that their faith was the only way to achieve salvation. I don’t like the idea that the youth is becoming more exclusive in their belief in the sole value of the LDS church. It goes against so much of what I think the beauty of the Plan of Salvation is. While we certainly hold that our faith is the most complete and the ultimate way for individuals to reach heaven ( or else we would not focus so much on missionary work), it is also vital for the value that other faiths play in the lives of their members. Those faiths do an enormous amount to build individual members up towards Jesus Christ and God. They lay a foundation upon which we later may grow. I worry that this statistic suggests that members are not approaching interfaith dialogue as an opportunity to learn from those with other views but instead approaching merely with the desire to convert.

Fortunately, members continue to participate in wonderful examples of interfaith dialogue and continue to build bridges between our faith and the faith of others. (Rachel Esplin’s words at the Personal Quests for A Purpose forum at Harvard are probably the best example of this. http://hillel.harvard.edu/media/videos/550)
More members should be encouraged to reach out with not just missionary hands

“Mormons also tend to be strict interpreters of their own religion. A majority (54%) says there is only one true way to interpret the teachings of their religion, with 43% saying there is more than one way. Among the affiliated population overall, more than two-thirds (68%) say there is more than one way.”

This measure is not discussed in Geographic terms and I assume that those living in the northeast might be more likely to disagree with this statement, considering that they are living a lifestyle (Geographic, educational) that some Utah Mormons might already consider different from their idea. Still, this is an example of pretty breathtaking and very insidious arrogance. It is true of course, that we do have General Authorities and a church of continuing revelation in order to minimize conflict and discord, but holding this views ignores the prolific disagreement even among General Authorities on many gospel questions, and presupposes error in the views of everyone else. This attitude is clearly not healthy if we look to expand and reach out to potential converts from difficult backgrounds and with divergent world views. Of course, we need to emphasize the value of certain gospel basics, but we can not expect everyone to conform in all of their peripheral beliefs as well. Moreover, when we assume that our own lifestyle is correct, we ignore opportunity to learn and to take the good from the perspective of others. We risk leaving people feeling excluded.

“Two-thirds of Mormons (68%) say homosexuality should be discouraged rather than accepted by society. This is comparable to the figure among members of evangelical Protestant churches (64%) and Muslims (61%) but significantly higher than among members of historically black Protestant churches (46%). Jehovah’s Witnesses are the most likely to say homosexuality should be discouraged, with 76% expressing this view. Among the general population, only 40% say it should be discouraged, with half saying it should be accepted.”

I hope that this does not translate into open intolerance, but I am sure that it unfortunately does. It is clear we need to do a lot more to discourage homophobic and hateful attitudes and mores among members. Those struggling with homosexual tendencies and attractions are likely to become depressed, withdrawn and inactive because of these views. Living, working and attending church in Massachusetts, the first state in the nation to allow Gay Marriage, also provides some unique challenges that I am not sure that members are properly being prepared to face. We need to determine effective ways to reach out to LGBTQ members of our community and to invite rather than condemn. Our strong stance as a church against Same Sex Marriage needs to be given context by the fact that we live in a state that has openly allowed the practice for 6 years now. How are we as members supposed to reach view the committed long term marriages entered into by those of the same sex? How do we reach out to them in a non-judgmental fashion? These seem like difficult questions where I am sure that many members ( myself included) could use a bit more direction.

“Mormons are distinctive in their views on the origins of human life. When asked about the theory of evolution, only 22% of Mormons say it is the best explanation for human life, with three-in-four (75%) disagreeing. Only among one other major religious tradition – Jehovah’s Witnesses (90%) – does a higher proportion disagree that evolution is the best explanation for human life. The general public is more evenly divided on this question, with 48% saying it is the best explanation and 45% rejecting that position.”

This might have to do with the poor wording of the question, but I was taken a bit aback by this answer I know that BYU students learn about evolution in science courses so this cynical view of evolution is quite striking. I would like to see a question reworded to suggest that evolution is a good explanation for human life rather than the best. I think many more members probably believe it played a substantial role in the formation of life but is not THE BEST explanation. When trying to reach out to University students in the liberal northeast, however, I wonder if we can’t do more to build some kind of common ground. Our focus on naturalism and our disbelief in supernatural miracles (all acts of God are manipulations of natural forces) could perhaps be emphasized? I don’t offer any answers in this regard but bring up the question as an area deserving more exploration.

This is most disturbing of all…

“Political and social views are linked with church attendance among Mormons, as among the general population. Those who attend services at least once a week are more than 30 percentage points more likely than Mormons who attend less frequently to be Republican (73% vs. 39%) and oppose legal abortion (78% vs. 44%). In fact, among those who attend church less often, majority opinion leans in the opposite direction on these two items; pluralities of those who attend church less than once a week are Democrats (40%) and favor legal abortion (49%). The same is true with regard to opinion on the size of government; among weekly attenders, 61% support a smaller government while 31% prefer a larger government, and among less-frequent attenders, just 37% prefer a smaller government while 53% prefer a bigger government.

The link between church attendance and ideology is less pronounced than with party affiliation, but it is still substantial. Two-thirds of weekly attenders (66%) say they are conservative, compared with 40% of those who attend less often. There is also a significant difference when it comes to the question of the best way to ensure peace. Nearly twice as many weekly attenders (41% vs. 24%) say a strong military is more important than good diplomacy in ensuring peace.”

I find the idea that liberal members are much more likely to be inactive and non-attenders disturbing. Of course, those that view Liberal Mormons as illegitimate members ( a view that I have unfortunately heard uttered by members time and time again) could say that this just shows that Liberals are bad Mormons, but to me this seems to be glaringly false. It seems obvious, from my many talks with liberal mormon friends, that liberal views are treated with such intolerant criticism as to make liberal members actively uncomfortable. I actually quite enjoy political discussion and so I enjoy the challenges to my faith and the need to assert that for me liberal values and mormon values are equivalent, but I wonder how many visitors, investigators and members are turned away by these displays of intolerance.

Is there some hope for change in this study? The answer is tentatively yes. In a church that is becoming more and more convert heavy, a greater tide of liberalism is possible and even probably.

“There also are some differences between Mormons depending on whether they are converts or lifelong members. While majorities of converts and nonconverts alike identify as Republican and say abortion should be illegal in most or all cases, converts are considerably less likely than nonconverts to do so (52% of converts are Republican vs. 69% of lifelong members, and 59% of converts oppose legal abortion vs. 74% of nonconverts). On other issues, such as size of government and best way to ensure peace, however, there are no significant differences between converts and lifelong Mormons.”

This is tempered by the finding that Converts are also much less likely to be active, marry in the temple etc…

“Converts to Mormonism also differ somewhat from lifelong Mormons in terms of religious commitment. Converts are less likely to attend church at least once a week compared with nonconverts (68% vs. 79%) and less likely to say theirs is the one true faith (46% vs. 61%), but are more likely to share their faith weekly (38% vs. 19%). On other measures of religious commitment converts tend to resemble non-converts.”

This study seems to me to show that as members we need to do a lot more to ensure member activity and retention among two specific subgroups. We need to ensure that we are providing fellowship for new converts. Many deal with family difficulty and opposition and if they do not feel that they have a family at church that they can be comfortable with they are more likely to fall away. We also need to ensure that church is not a hostile environment for those that hold differing political views. In the Northeast, these two goals are inexorably interlinked and this is especially true in Massachusetts one of the most partisan blue states in the country. Especially in Suffolk county ( Boston, Cambridge etc), we find an exceptionally high party affiliation index leaning towards the Democratic party ( 54.46 %!)

(http://www.sec.state.ma.us/ele/elepdf/st_county_town_enroll_breakdown_08.pdf)

With more and more of the young generation identifying itself as Liberal as opposed to Conservative ( http://people-press.org/report/517/political-values-and-core-attitudes), and those holding especially true in our region, in order for us to have success as a ward with missionary activity, we need to begin thinking of strategies to ensure that politics does not become a stumbling stone in the lives of potential converts.

I offer these reflections and thoughts humbly in prayer and with the sincere desire that they may be of some use to the ward or the stake in coordinating, training and planning missionary activity both by members and full time missionaries. I am so thankful for the role of the gospel in my life and hope to be able to contribute in some way to helping the gospel be more efficiently in the lives of those around me. It is because I truly believe that this church is true and could be such a poignant force for good in the lives everyone, that I offer this in the name of Jesus Christ

Amen

House of the Lord

I have fallen so far behind on my blogging that it’s a little ridiculous. I am going to be playing a bit of catch up though I will be condensing a lot of content into a few posts.

 

I am going to go in terms of priority rather than chronology though I will list the topics I hope to address here: Temple visit; Darwin, Evolution and LDS; Windsor visit; Tate Modern + Britain + Oliver! + Concerts and a whole grabbag of other things: Intrepid readers, buckle down, because this post in particular should be quite long.

 

Last Saturday ( 24/1/09) I ended up going to see the London temple for the first time with Victoria, Heath and a few others from church (They were the two I traveled with on the train directly). I only found out about the temple trip at around midnight the night before and I had to wake up insanely early in order to go but it was worth it. The train ride into the countryside was a great change of pace and truly gave  me a chance to appreciate how different life must be  even not all that far from a major metropolis. It was just 40 or so minutes by train but a world apart. It had been raining the night before and so the roads were flooded and ice crags formed. I a was shocked how far away the temple was from the train station ( we had to take a taxi) and even more surprised that the church was not running at least hourly or so shuttles to get there. I was so glad I went with others rather than made a trip by myself. I love temples, and this one is no exception at all. The grounds were magnificent and I have some great pictures on face book. The temple is undergoing construction on its scaffolding to insert an Angel Moroni on top, and so it was somewhat obscured. However, that really didn’t hinder the spiritual and powerful feeling it gave me. I just felt so uplifted at the temple. It really gave me this feeling of calmness and serenity. I think the temple is one of the strongest cornerstones of my faith and one of the deepest sources of my testimony.

 

I met James’s friend Cheryl who is an investigator and I thought it was really nice to get to talk to her about her struggle to look into the church. She feels intellectually torn and find logical challenges with a lot of things. I feel so fortunate that somehow pure feeling was able to, for the first time in my life, overcome by rational façade in some significant way enabling me to truly believe and have faith. It took a shattering and a rebuilding of my reason around the church rather than a match up of the church to my predefined sense of reason. Prior, I had always wanted a church to fit my needs and desires rather than truly let myself to towards truth. Because of this, I drifted towards poorly formed religion better called merely faith. It had foundation in what I wanted and then it was easy to move god out of the equation and attribute it all to my own reason. I know, that this church would have been the last I could have reasonably chosen. It is far too top down for what I would have ‘liked.’ At times, members can be too close-minded and not nearly as progressive as the ‘ideal’ faith I imagined. Yet, it comes down to the fact that it is simply true. Those criticisms don’t vanish. They have to be dealt with constantly, but they can be dealt with in confidence that, by following the wisdom of the church as a guideline to your own intelligence and vision, this is the source for the truth I have been seeking. It is that knowledge, that I CAN through this find everything I have wanted for myself more than what I already know a priori that drives me and keeps me going. Moreover, I think Humility is so fundamental for me here. I am so quick to think that I must reason better because I think more. Yet, it is very true that as Christ said, sometimes the simple mind of the child is much better than hundreds of sophistries. I really hope that Cheryl finds the strength to overcome her biases because there is so much to be gained from this church and so much good it can do for our souls. I have heard from the Missionaries that she is making great progress in terms of moving to be baptized and this makes me pretty excited.

 

I watched the Joseph Smith movie at the visitor center of the temple. I truly feel like this sanitized history may be feel good and nice but its truly dangerous for the church. I think that most missionaries even don’t have a good enough grasp of the faults of Joseph Smith. He was an unlikely prophet and I think that leads to some of his charm. Yet, he was obviously also an incredible paradox in terms of convictions but also real world ambition. His run for president in 1844 for instance belies a sense of real world ambition beyond what a normal religious figure would hold. I truly believe he was a prophet of God, but that does not at all mean I have to view him as heroic all of the time. I can still wonder about the origin of the law of celestial marriage/polygamy and whether it was used by Joseph Smith as a way to coerce women into marriage with him ( To name some of the more extreme accusations). I don’t have to doubt that there was divine inspiration or guidance to think that as an individual he might have used his inspiration in ways of self-profit. I can believe that something was divinely inspired without holding that it was perfectly executed. He is a controversial figure and church members are often blinded from the controversy and then have it overwhelm their testimony.

 

Met with the missionaries on Wed. because they had just found out I was not yet a member. I think I overwhelmed them because they didn’t realize quite how many times I have already met with missionaries or quite the amount of compulsive research I do. I can’t help but feeling missionary sickness in the sense of missing the missionaries that were my first. I really enjoyed my meetings with Elders Ames and Patton ( Later Kabbuto) and hope they are doing well. I am not sure if any of these missionaries are particularly effective, though. I am not sure if they ever really made me feel the spirit of their testimony in any meaningful way. I feel like I did most of the work myself internally and grew around them. I wonder if most people feel that way or if most cases are more shaped by the light of testimony. I feel like a lot of people go through the motions when they bear their testimony. I wish I could find more power and sincerity in what a lot of people are saying. I always make every effort in every public utterance I make to try to feel for the spirit and I wonder if that shows. I know that my fast and testimony testimonies always feel at least from the heart and I think that for me that is what counts. I love to speak and teach because I think it helps me grow. I hate that as a non-member I am not asked to give sacrament talks yet. I wish I could be, because I’d truly enjoy it.